Anger comes in many different forms. However, when you are angry do you find that you lose yourself to the anger? For people on the receiving end of it, it can be quite terrifying. Whether it is your spouse, kids or co-worker, it is highly likely that none of them wants to bear the brunt of it. However, having a bad temper might have serious repercussions if it continues unchecked. It has the potential to ruin important relationships and harm your career.
Luckily, there are ways in which you can curb your anger before it gets the better of you.
In this book summary readers will discover:
- Anger is what you make it to be
- Identifying the early signs of anger
- Brooding is bad for you
- Dealing with provocations
- Anger caused by stress
- Things to do to avoid anger
Key lesson one: Anger is what you make it to be
Anger is an incredibly powerful emotion that can drive us to do many things. Unfortunately, it is destructive and can not only hurt you but those around you. Anger can make people do things that they usually would not and, worse yet, they can do things without even realising it. There’s a reason the term is coined ‘blind rage’. People who are prone to angry outbursts are often hard to spend time with because you are always on edge worrying about what will set them off.
Most of the time, no one wants to be that person that everyone is afraid of. They don’t want to be the person screaming at the people around them. So, why do they do it then? Well, it is usually a result of suppressed emotions. They hold in all their anger and when they finally explode, the person receiving it may be completely innocent. However, you must not make the mistake and think that the person who is having the outburst gets by unscathed. Pent up anger and getting all worked up can actually have a negative impact on their health. High blood pressure, headaches and ulcers can all occur as a result of long periods of anger.
As much as anger has the potential to be a dangerous force, it also has the ability to be constructive if you know how to use it properly. It can fuel your actions, often being stronger than emotions that hold you back. For example, if fear is holding you back from leaving an abusive relationship, one day you may find that the anger you feel about the situation might overpower your fear and give you the strength to leave. Righteous rage, as well, has been known to drive change in communities. When people become angry witnessing the injustice, they use their anger to drive change. So, you just have to know how to ensure that your anger is constructive and not destructive.
Key lesson two: Identifying the early signs of anger
The good news is that there are physical signs that, if identified, can help you from being overcome by anger. Your body sends subtle cues that let you know what is about to happen.
You begin to breathe faster, start sweating, blushing and your jaw becomes tensed. If you are aware of these signs, there is a chance for you to realize what is happening and attempt to calm down before being overcome with rage.
If you see the signs, you can try to remind yourself that the feeling you are experiencing only lasts five to ten minutes. So, you can try to distract yourself and try and wait it out until it passes. By taking a few deep breaths, you should feel yourself begin to calm down. You can also try to distract yourself with thoughts or simple actions like counting the tiles in the room. When you begin to feel your anger dying down, try and find the silver lining in the situation. For example, if you’re mad because you are stuck in traffic again, at least it gives you an opportunity to listen to the new album you purchased.
You are ultimately responsible for your emotions and how you act as a result of them. Therefore, knowing the signs can help you keep them in check and make it a valuable lesson at the same time.
Key lesson three: Brooding is bad for you
Brooding. It’s the thing that all of us do. Small things happen every day that ticks us off. A car can cut us off on the highway, your kid could be giving you attitude – whatever it may be, it is a seed that is planted and we brood about it.
Brooding will allow your anger to grow until it can’t be held in anymore. Another minor irritation can trigger something much bigger than it should as it will be the straw that finally breaks the camel’s back. Luckily, there’s an easy way to deal with brooding so that this does not happen. Give it a time limit. Schedule fifteen minutes every day and write down what you want to brood about and then be done with it in that time. If you find yourself brooding outside of the scheduled time, try to push it away until that time. Over time, this exercise will make you less likely to brood at all.
It’s not easy setting aside the thoughts that you want to brood over. So, until you get a handle on using your scheduled time, you can also try and distract your thoughts by doing something enjoyable. Take a walk through the park or visit a museum or the beach – whatever makes you think about something else.
Key lesson four: Dealing with provocations
Sometimes anger is triggered by people who provoke us. We have all experienced this at some point or the other. In the end, you have a choice on how to react to the provocation. A provocation only escalates when two parties are involved. This means that unless you give in to the person, a fight can break out. Sometimes, you are provoked just because the other person needs someone to take out their anger on. Take, for example, a kid who had a bad day. They may come home in a bad mood or snap at you for no reason. You have to remind yourself that their bad mood has nothing to do with you. In addition, you have to ask yourself whether you want to fight it out or not. In other words, is it worth it? Their anger has nothing to do with you, so you don’t need to respond with anger.
Also important when it comes to provocations is that you might find that experiences from your past can have an effect on your feelings in the present. You have to address these past wounds if you want to get a handle on the anger it brings about. Admit that these past events affect how you feel and talk to someone about it. It’s the only way they will understand why certain things trigger your anger.
Key lesson five: Anger caused by stress
When you are angry do you find yourself telling people to back off? Or maybe you tell them that you are running out of patience? These are strong indicators that your anger is stress-related.
Stress comes in two forms. Major stressors, which can be things like losing your job, moving to a new city or getting pregnant. Then you get minor stressors that occur every day like deadlines, a rowdy work environment or even getting a cold. Chronic stress can be bad for your health leading to all sorts of complications. Therefore, you need to try to minimise your stress. Identify your major and minor stressors and figure out if they are truly stressful or if you are missing the real emotion. Moving to a new city, for example, is not a bad thing, you are probably just a bit scared and nervous about the move. Thus, changing the way you see the situation can make it less stressful. And if you are less stressed you are less likely to get angry.
Key lesson six: Things to do to avoid anger
Just like any kid, people get cranky when they don’t get enough sleep. However, as adults, they don’t exactly throw a tantrum as kids do. They tend to be more irritable instead, making an eventual outburst likely. Thus, ensuring that you get enough sleep is essential to avoid anger.
Also beneficial is regular exercise. Exercise has been shown to make people feel happier and more relaxed. The last thing you can do to avoid anger is to adopt a gratitude habit. People get angry when they don’t get what they want or things don’t go their way. By being grateful for what you have already, you change your outlook on situations. This will make you feel happier and less likely to get angry when things don’t go your way.
By ensuring that get enough rest, exercise regularly and practise gratitude, you are ensuring that you are focusing on things that make you happy and moving away from any angry thoughts.
The key takeaway from Anger Management for Dummies is:
Anger is a powerful emotion. Most of the time it is unfortunately destructive. However, being able to identify and use anger constructively is also possible. You have to learn how to control your anger and how to harness it for good. Being aware of the signs of anger can help you remain calm and avoid unnecessary confrontations. There are also steps you can take to help you deal with any anger that develops in your daily life. In addition to these steps, you should also aim to get enough rest, implement some form of regular exercise and develop a gratitude habit. Controlling your anger is possible, you just have to stop it from controlling you first.
How can implement the lessons learned from Anger Management for Dummies:
When you feel yourself getting angry, try and identify what triggered it. Then begin to analyse the situation from a different perspective. Try to find the positives or lessons in it. The more you begin to think in this manner, the more you will move away from your angry thoughts.
