There are always things that we want to change in our lives. Some mornings we wake up thinking that it will be the day that we start working out or finally approach our boss for a raise. But as we move through the day, we lose the courage to act on it due to our own fears and bad habits. This is nothing to feel bad about. It happens to all of us.
We all fall prey to our fears and it is often the sole thing that holds us from attaining our true potential. So how do we overcome this? Believe it or not, you can live the life you dream about if you take the time to understand your fears and not try to get rid of them. In the end, it is your fear that will give you the courage you need.
In this book summary readers will discover:
- Identifying and understanding your fears, desires and routines
- Accessing your body
- Engage with your Inner Critic
- Reframe limiting stories
- Find your Courageous Community
Key lesson one: Identifying and understanding your fears, desires and routines
Change is always associated with some sort of uncomfortableness. No matter how strong the reason behind it, we always approach change with some hesitancy. This happens to everyone so you do not need to feel like there is something wrong with you. It is all because of one thing – fear.
You may not feel particularly scared about something, but fear has clever ways as manifesting in other emotions. This is what leads to us shying away from our decisions as we begin to find rational reasons to step away. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, selfishness – they are all a result of fear. You may want to switch careers but feel guilty about the amount of money you spent on getting your current degree. How could you let all that just go to waste? What would people think of you?
The human brain prefers routine. It likes you to act predictably so that it can remain comfortable. And if the brain is comfortable, we remain comfortable. However, as soon as we decide to do something that goes against this, our brain’s comfort is threatened so it makes our body feel anxious and scared. So, when you decide to return to your predictable routine and move away from change, your brain rewards you with feelings of relaxation. These actions by the brain are what makes change so difficult for us. Therefore, you cannot ignore the fear or try and fight it – you have to understand why it is there in the first place and still move forward.
The best way to begin your journey of courageous living is to first identify what you want. The author recommends envisioning your Liberated Day which represents a day of you living without fear. Try to do so in extreme detail and unlock the things that make you feel authentic without external validation. Once you have visualised your liberated day, you should have an idea of what changes you need to make. You can narrow this down to three goals that will form your primary focus. You need to ask yourself questions like how you can achieve your primary focus and where do you see yourself in a few months from now? Also, consider what routines or patterns you would like to break and how achieving your goals will help those around you? You will be stepping out of your comfort zone and you will be uncomfortable along the way but accepting this key fact is crucial.
The next thing you need to identify is your habits. Although we are mostly unaware of it, habits influence the emotions we experience. By understanding which habits are getting in our way, we can make the progress we crave. Firstly, habits can be divided into three parts – cues, routines and rewards. These occur in a cycle with the cue being the initial feeling that causes you stress. This stress triggers a behaviour or routine that will result in a reward that brings you less stress. For example, you enter a yoga class but you see the other people stretching confidently. This makes you doubt yourself being there and makes you feel nervous. The doubt you experience is the cue, and you leaving the class is the routine that was triggered. The relief you experience once outside is the reward. This represents a fear routine in action.
Four such routines exist and knowing which one your exhibit is important. There is the perfectionist’s routine is one where the person is never satisfied and is often overwhelmed. They take on too much as they like to be in control and do not delegate. External validation and completing tasks gives them a sense of happiness. The second fear routine is that of the Saboteur. The saboteur’s routine is best described as two steps forward and one step back. There is an initial excitement when starting something but this cannot be sustained and results in them feeling tied down. This results in them putting little energy into their work. Then there is the Martyr’s fear routine. Martyrs are people pleasers and believe that they do not have time for their own dreams because they need to help their friends and family. Lastly, there is the Pessimist’s routine. The pessimist believes that nothing works out for them so there is no point in even trying.
Your fear routine could be a mix of these four basic routines. However, we tend to use one more than the others. If you are able to identify your fear routine you can start breaking the cue-routine-reward cycle that you have developed. This will stop the habits that you have and put you in a good place to begin acting courageously.
Key lesson two: Accessing your body
The first step of The Courage Habit asks you to pay attention to your body. By accessing your body you can identify any fears that are holding you back. This is a mindfulness practice that asks you to scan your body and pay attention to any feelings that don’t belong or that don’t sit right with you. As you move through different areas of your body, you will come across sensations that will need to be translated. You might feel like you are tense or have a sense of uneasiness in your stomach. These might be symptoms of fear.
Obviously, everyone’s body is different and the way your fear manifests can vary from subtle to severe. Thus, accessing your body is not always an easy exercise. It might help to put a timer on your scan. This means that you set aside a specific amount of time to access your body and interpret the physical manifestations of your fear. You can also take a walk afterwards to shake off the feelings you experienced if you have found them overwhelming.
Key lesson three: Engage with your Inner Critic
The second step is to engage with your Inner Critic. Everyone has that critical voice within them that has a comment for everything that we do or think about doing. It has the uncanny ability to confirm that we are indeed not good enough. How you choose to deal with your inner critic greatly affects your choices. However, whether you choose to ignore, placate or fight it – it is just temporary and you should learn to deal with it permanently.
This entails actively engaging with your inner critic. Pay attention to when it speaks up and try writing down what it is telling you. Don’t interpret it, don’t abbreviate it. Write down the words it says. Once you have this, go back to your primary focus and the goals it entails. What does your inner critic have to say about these goals? After considering this and with the knowledge of your fear routines and how your body reacts, you can ask your inner critic for a re-do. Asking your inner critic for a re-do is acknowledging what it said, rejecting it and asking it for a re-do. The more you do this will enable you to identify the root cause of the criticism and the fear it is associated with.
Thus, by engaging with and embracing your inner critic you can move forward confidently. The critic is a part of ourselves – so it is best to acknowledge and understand it.
Key lesson four: Reframe limiting stories
As you work through the previous step, you will discover the stories we tell ourselves. These stories are powerful constructs and eliminating the negative ones can stop them from hindering us. This brings us to the third step which is reframing limiting stories.
Sometimes, the stories we tell ourselves are actually manifestations of our fears. One of the author’s clients, for example, was happy in her carefree lifestyle. She traded her coding expertise for anything she needed and didn’t have any adult responsibilities. What she did have, however, was an incredible amount of debt. Due to this, she could not pass a credit check and get an apartment and normal employment would result in the IRS taking her wages. A friend of hers eventually offered her a well-paying job but she was hesitant to take it as it would mean that she would have to settle down. But after paying attention to the story she had been telling herself, she realised it was nothing but sticking to her comfort zone. Her life of no responsibilities did not make her happy, it was just familiar. Starting a new job didn’t mean commitment, it meant doing something new.
You have to try and identify your own story in the same manner. You need to think about your primary focus once again and identify why you are frustrated. Then you can try and reframe the story you are telling yourself making it a positive one. However, you must understand that reframing your story has nothing to do with positive affirmations. It’s about taking the limiting story you are telling yourself and understanding it.
Key lesson five: Find your Courageous Community
The last step to complete building the courage habit is to find your courageous community. These are the people you surround yourself with who are also working on similar things as you or who give you courage.
Consider the people that you already know who encourage you and who are open and honest. These are people who exhibit behaviours such as problem-solving instead of complaining, admitting when there are problems and who listen and show empathy rather than criticise. You can pick one person to practice on. This will help you build your confidence and work with opening up to someone. It won’t always be sunshine and roses so you must be comfortable being vulnerable with your courageous community.
The key takeaway from The Courage Habit is:
Everyone feels some fear when they want to change something. Our brains are always comfortable with the familiar and when change comes along it brings about anxieties and nervousness. This makes up want to go back to our comfort zone. However, if we carefully analyze what we do in these situations, we will learn that fear is just holding us back. By working through the four steps, we can also build the courage habit easily.
How can I implement the lessons learned in The Courage Habit:
Be patient with yourself as you embrace the courage habit. Change does not occur overnight nor are you trying to change yourself into a different person. You are embracing all that you are and understanding the fears and limiting stories that hold you back. Give yourself time to build courage and be kind to yourself.
